to understand you

i am mortal collection.

to understand you.

Lately I’ve felt you don’t really know me. You look at me daily and stare past my hockey puck eyes, straight into my soul and still emerge empty. Almost as though there’s nothing worth seeing back there in the haze at all. You drop me home the shortcut way now, I don’t think you know I’ve noticed. But I still love how we walk, feet in step. I’m with the mister I want to impress. I’d follow you to the ends of the earth if you’d simply just ask – no questions asked and I love it here with you. The way we look into the night like it’s a scorching fire – bright and fiery. It reminds me that even though our love is raging, it burns too. It leaves us breathless, gasping for air and there’s no escape now.

Do you remember when it got that way my love?

Do you like where we are now?

“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?” I screamed at the man that swore he’d never let me cry.

“WHAT?!” he roared back at me

“YOU KNOW WHAT!” I wept.

“I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING BABS – I BARELY EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE” his voice heavy and certain.

The door shut, and I was alone again. I screamed and cried and let my back hit the cool brick wall behind me. This house is not a home any longer. This world is not my place of residence.

“Babs” I murmur, anger and pain radiating around me, going up and down my body like the hands of a masseuse. I know your secret.

“Babs”

 I’m still so in love with the names you give me. Let another one fall out of your sweet lips.

“Babs”

I hope you come back soon, my love.

“Babs, Babs, Babs” I sang to myself, as I let my eyes finally drift shut.

I took the long way home today. You weren’t with me because you’re far away right now. I wonder what you do on those lonely nights. Or if you’re even lonely at all. Is this what you wished for, all along? I think I’m going crazy without you. I tried to walk past our spot today. Past the place where I broke that promise to myself. 

“Never fall in love again.” With you, with anyone. 

They say that breaking promises is bad, but that day felt like a pretty good one to me. The harsh sun hit my skin like belt lashes, beaded sweat all around us. Ice cream vans and laughter, petals and posers, children playing hopscotch, completely unaware of the fact that this won’t last forever. Just like us. You didn’t care that I hate the heat. You said that it’s good for people like us. So I followed you blindly like I always do. Did I mention I’d go wherever you were?

“I love you babs” he whispered.

“I love you too.”

“Are you lying?”

“Who knows?” I laughed. 

We were just strangers long ago. I met you in my time of need, and you met me in the golden twilight. Looking back at that time, I wish we had some hindsight. I should have kept your love, short and sweet, in a bottle so you’d never leave me. I should have melted your love into hot lava and poured it over myself, so you’d burn into my skin.

Do you still love my ginger hair? The curves on my body, the way I kiss? Do you still want to enter my mind and make it yours? Do you want to live in this moonage daydream with me?

Maybe it’s just me, but when people say forever, you believe them. You said forever is all you know, and I said me too. So why does it feel like you’re leaving for good? I know your secret baby. I haven’t seen you in a week now. You’ve left me waiting for long enough! I spoke to my mother for the first time since I met you. She says you’re really bad for me but she hasn’t been happy in years. Not since I was a little girl, who couldn’t tell she was dying inside. Day by day, I watched her lose herself, to a man who never truly understood her. Who is she to tell me? Who is anyone that isn’t you?

“I think you know me more than I know myself Babs” he whispered in my ear.

“that’s impossible”

“it’s very possible” he laughed

“Then that must mean you know me more than I know myself too.”

“to know you is to know myself babs” he spoke to me softly now

“I hope you know me forever”.

It’s been a month now. When I got home from work I saw that you’d taken your things. Your favourite shirt is gone from where I left it on my bed. Your books aren’t on the shelf. Your meds are gone, and all I can think of is how lucky I am that you’ve been in my space once more. You still remember my schedule. Does that mean you still love me? Where did you go, my love? You can’t leave me like this. I’ve been so lost since you’ve been gone, I need you. If you’re gone for much longer, I’m not sure what I’ll do. 

Two months now. Mum says you’re gone for good but I don’t believe her. She’s always been a liar, I can’t trust her like I trust you. I don’t want to live if I’m not with you. I think I’ve made up my mind. I walk to your side of the bed one last time, to say goodbye I guess. I don’t know if you can feel me but I still feel you. I wonder if you felt me –  about to leave this place for good. I forgot to put on my shoes, I never did remember well –  you helped me with that. I left the front door wide open, in case you came back and you’d forgotten your key. Walking by the forest behind our house, I took my time to remember the smell of cut grass. I spoke to the ladybugs and I danced with grasshoppers. My feet got so muddy. I wish you were here. 

I finally got to the creek, the water was rushing with a brute force today. It looks so clean and nice. The rocks look like boulders in front of my frail and tired body. Mighty and strong like our love. It’s intimidating me. I’m kind of scared right now. I’m never scared when I’m with you – but you’re not here anymore. I step closer and closer to the edge, my toes feeling the fresh air, being splashed by saltwater. Maybe this is a mistake. I can still turn back. You might be home now, waiting in bed for me. mayb-

My foot slips and suddenly, I’m falling headfirst.

4 months later

I’m awake now. It’s been 4 months since I last spoke to you. I’m at the hospital, white blaring light stinging me like lasers. They’re saying that you never existed at all, that you were just in my head. How does that make sense? I don’t believe them. I’ll only ever believe you. Will you come and visit me? Help me escape? We can run away together, just you and me. They’re saying I can’t leave this place. They say I’ll forget you if I do. I don’t want to forget you, you are all I know. My mother says that it’s okay. She says I’ll be fine. She’s been here day and night for months since the accident. But she’s not here really. I got it from her.

One day you said “To understand you is to understand me. To know you is to know me.”

 You shouldn’t have lied. Was that your secret? Were you all in my head this whole time? You SHOULDN’T have lied. You can’t know me. You are me. You don’t exist. I’m alone again.

Playlist .